by Marina Bajszár, Former Lead Facilitator at The Kiloby Center for Recovery
For the last 8 months, I had the honor of working along side Scott Kiloby as a Lead Facilitator at The Kiloby Center for Recovery. I worked full time, 4-5 days a week with clients from 8 to 5 pm. Like a real job, but it didn’t really feel like any other job I’ve ever held. I started each day teaching yoga, alternating between a Gentle Vinyasa Yoga and Yin Yoga. I also taught a few Kundalini Yoga kriyas now and then. After yoga I would hold either group sessions and/or back to back private sessions until lunch time and more of the same in the afternoons until 5pm. Sometimes we’d break up the afternoon with more movement and once a week we’d just laugh for no reason at all through a series of Laughter Yoga exercises for health and also to lighten things up. I also got to participate in three retreats we held at the center. I taught, shared, facilitated, participated, led yoga and laughter yoga and other group fun sessions to add to the variety of programming at the retreats. This has been an intense time of rich and dynamic learning for me through working with dozens and dozens of clients. I’ve learned just as much as I’ve taught, and each and every facilitation has been a uniquely different gift for me too. I felt like I just went through the most rewarding boot camp of my life doing what I love and feel most fulfilled doing. I left the center to return to my beloved Colorado and to be with my beloved, but I also left on such a high note for the love of this work. I’ve never left a job I loved as much as this. It wasn’t work, on most days. It was a real pleasure to be with each person that came through the doors. I’m going to miss it. I already do as I write this. Here are the Top 10 things I learned while working at the center:
- Every single story that tells of pain and suffering points to one thing everyone is really saying: “I don’t want to feel THIS.”
- The only way to truly relieve perpetual stories of pain and suffering is to feel what you don’t want to feel, directly, without the stories attached to them. If necessary, repeatedly.
- Never underestimate the power of REST. To stop everything and just rest, aware of what’s actually going on here in this present moment. In the midst of all struggles, all ideas, all pain. This is always available and it is very powerfully shifting to rest, sometimes when least expected.
- This work is not about feeling better. It’s about being better at feeling. And interestingly that comes around and makes us feel better too.
- Readiness is key. You are either ready to look or you are not. If you are ready, the looking is quite easy, direct and swift, most of the time. If you are not, there may be a lot of dancing and avoidance, defensiveness and excuses about issue before the willingness to really take a look at it.
- I realized more deeply than before my time at the center that I really don’t care either way, whether clients are willing to inquire or just want to stay attached to their story and keep their addictions or their sense of identity intact. I love them all the same, whether they are ready to look or not. Truly.
- If there is any goal of inquiry, it is to be able to be present to what is arising in the moment. If you are able to do that, you don’t need the inquiry questions at all. You are already at your destination.
- There is such a sweet innocence to all of this looking. To seeing patterns of behavior, seeing the attachments to identities. The innocence of everyone in their suffering is very tender and sweet and knowing this more directly, it does become more difficult to take any of the contents of suffering presented by clients very seriously. What remains is compassion for suffering. The content becomes irrelevant and at the same time the very key to the door that untangles the suffering.
- I learned that the anchor for every issue, every client, every walk of life that I facilitate, is this moment. NOW. There are not too many tricks and tools for me to remember if I’m just fully present. Each time I am fully anchored to being here now, the sessions then take care of themselves. It becomes a naturally curious exploration together. There is really nothing to DO in facilitation. This has made all the difference and it’s something that sunk in so much deeper during this intense time at the center.
- I didn’t know him well before the center but I must say this from my own experience. Scott Kiloby is probably the most congruent and clear man of the highest integrity I have ever known. He is the same whether home relaxing or giving talks to groups of people. His pajama self is the same as his public self. He walks and lives his talk, fully, continuing to open and go though his own deepening daily. And he honestly could care less if I said these things about him or not, which is also quite refreshing but I wanted to say them anyway 🙂 .
I also want to share one more thing. I’m so grateful that I’ve gained a deeper sense of trust in the flow of life. I’m grateful that even this decision to leave the center, when the experience was continually rich and full of growth, and when it was time to go, it was easier than ever before to trust the movement from within, without analysis or weighing pros and cons. It was time and what I take away is deep gratitude for the learning and experience.